Wednesday, 8 July 2015

You Look Disgusting

If you are always on a social media buzz scrolling through foodstagram or derpy 9gag, you would notice the recent social issue where a blogger cum youtuber Em Ford got insulted cruelly through social media after posting a video showing her bare face. Initially when I saw this sprouting everywhere, no attention was given nor did I watch it thinking its just one of those breathtaking makeup transformation videos.

Till several days ago I felt the heartache as the video was playing and when my eyes started to water, I knew this time it's different. I felt how Em Ford felt and therefore I believe I should talk about this apparent social issue.

Being a kid, I had normal skin with no issues at all. That lasted till I enrolled university and started juggling more in hands. Long story short, I started trying out beauty products, experimenting with various new launches in the market and buying lower end products [since it's more affordable] and pilled everything on me. At that point of time, my skin starting going haywire. That was in year 2011 but that's not just it. In year 2013, everything worsen. Entire face got clogged, dark marks wouldn't disappear, oily T zone with dry patches all over, uneven skin tone, rough skin, breakouts and whiteheads. As bad as it sounds, I went down into the lowest point of my life.

It wasn't the studies nor relationship but the fact that I totally lost my confidence almost killed me. Didn't have the guts to look into anyone's eyes. Not even my then boyfriend. I could still remember crying in the middle of the night, gave up dressing for university let it be other special occasions and not wanting to meet anyone if I didn't have make up on.

One day I felt that my skin was improving so I went to uni bare faced, I was asked:

- "Viviene? Do you feel stressed up recently?"
- "Viviene, did you wash your face?"
- "Viviene, what happened to your face?"
- "Viviene, your face looks so oily."
- "I feel stressed lately, pimples popped just like yours."
- "Viviene, is your period coming?"

Not all was asked and said on the same day. But even on days where I covered up my scars and patchy skin, those were said to me. Since then, I started to believe that I was different and skin were meant to be perfect and no matter what I wear, it wouldn't be as beautiful as other people wearing PJs with perfect skin. I was broken on the inside.

It wasn't the question they threw at me that made me vulnerable. But the fact that I had to repetitively explain myself to prove to the world I am perfectly fine. Repeating my responses to negativity made me give up on explaining and would rather believe the fact that yes my skin turned bad because of the peaking stress level and I'm ugly as eff. Yup things went towards the wrong direction. I started losing self confidence, tired of defending myself, emotions got extreme and slowly moved towards depression. Till the point where I was sorry for the way my skin looked.

Why would people comment on the outlook of other's and pass judgement? I don't know. I'll admit, as a kid I've always criticized people around me. But since 13, I don't think I've called someone ugly or fat! I remember asking my brother do I look like shit. He looked at me, then said:" No, you look just perfectly fine. :) "

Do I head out without make-up now? Yes.
Am I still passionate about beauty launches and new products? Yes
Do I care about judgments imposed on me? No.

As of now, my skin is so much healthier and my confidence level has regained. Everything else is history. If you've also been through similar phases like me or Em Ford, remember that you are amazing and those who passed judgement on you does not understand the true meaning of being "Beautiful".

If I could unwind time and talk to the 'me' two years ago, I would say:" Dear, you look just perfectly fine."

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